So I read a ton of information about TTTS and everything I had read said the follow up echo and ultrasound were done the next morning after surgery to see how the babies were handling everything and to see if they had improved. The nurses said the echo would be done at 10 am, then moved to 11 am, then noon then 1pm and just kept pushing it. We finally had the echo around 3pm and I just did not feel right about it. We then had the ultrasound. Baby B, Ari had a visible bladder but was showing early signs of hydrops-which is heart failure. So early that it could of been missed on the echo. Baby A, Austin had a grade 3 brain bleed. We had no idea at the time what this meant because the hospital never sent anyone from the Neonatology unit as they had promised the day before or that day. They also promised that they would send someone in to explain after we were told this information but they never showed up.
They asked me again, "What do you want to do if one baby's heart rate drops, do you want to risk prematurity to save them both?". I had consulted with Mary about this from the TTTS foundation. She said, "Angelique, you have fought so hard to make it this far, you should try to save both babies and take them if one of their heart rate drops". I felt in my heart that this was the right thing to do, I also felt that once I knew that Ari, Baby B had early signs of Hydrops that he was not going to be okay if Austin, Baby A passed away and he was not going to improve like the doctor had initially thought the day before. I knew if we did not try to save them both, that they both wouldn't have made it. Around 5 pm, Austin's heart rate starting dropping and was not coming back up. They said Angelique remember you decided to try to save both and i was like Yes! Save them both! I was wheeled into the OR with no time for anything and put asleep for the c-section. The whole time I kept thinking I was going to have a panic attack while they were putting me to sleep. I kept thinking they would have to do a Tracheotomy and that I would wake up with a hole in my neck. I thought that at any moment I would just stop breathing due to stress. It was a terrifying horrible experience. I woke up in excruciating pain from not having had a spinal or epidural so i felt that I had been cut in half, which in a way, I had. I think waking up after being numbed would be a better experience because you would have time before feeling the actual pain that occurred from the surgery. I was puking, extremely cold and not breathing very well. I asked Philip what had happened and he said Austin did not make it but Ari did. I was so drugged up, nothing was real. They brought Austin in for me to hold. He looked like a perfect little baby. He was 1 lb 3 oz and had a smile on his face. He was an angel and my perfect little son. I couldn't cry because I was in shock and so messed up from all the drugs I was given. I regret a few things after the surgery. I regret not having Austin baptized but there is just no instruction book on how to deal with the death of your baby. I also regret not having pictures of the bottom of his hands and feet. I have pictures of the top and I have pictures of him but the cute pics of the bottom of the hands and feet would be really nice to have. There is nothing that could of prepared me for dealing with this. People keep saying you are only given what you can handle but it just isn't true. People are given a bunch of shit they cant handle all the time. It was not meant to be that I lost my son Austin because I could not handle two babies but Austin was meant to save the life of his brother Ari and that I will always know. If Austin's heart rate had not dropped, I feel that Ari would of declined and we would of lost them both.
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